Monday, June 22, 2009

A confession: Trapped in a world of Self-Deception

This entry is dedicated to a special Angel- BH.

Dear me

The Petronas Twin Towers of in KL. 4 am on a cold Tuesday morning. A cluttered mind.

Think God has put this work trip for a greater purpose- not so much to mediate the tension at home but for you to take time to reflect, and plan how you should be a better person. You have been terribly 'lazy' and an irresponsible soul have you? You do realised that the you have unknowingly fulfilled the lust of the flesh. What has gone into your mind, resulting in not looking after this body- yes, lazy and self-indulgence.

Mo Mo wrote about his attempts to reach out to the lost souls. You were humbled in your deepened understanding that love and forgiveness go hand in hand. Thanks to an Angel- BH, you realised (and thankfully admit) that you have long forgotten the sweetness of truth- God's words. Face it, for the past months, you have lived a lie- a self deceiving illusion that you still know the truth. Honestly, the indulgence of your life- internet, food, sleep, and even work, have made you become more estranged from the word of our heavenly father.

BH's sharing of his divorce led you to realise that you need to start taking charge again. You don't need an Adam Khoo- you need to go back to God's words! The growing pride so silently creeped into your life that you thought everything was fine. But wait, your family relationships took a strain, and you even lost consciousness of watching your eating habits. These were clear signs that something is not quite right- something inside you. The little sins that so easily slipped into your life had become a heavy burden. For example, the slip of the tongue with an easy curse coming out were granted an OK. That led to conveniently finding more excuses to "fulfil the lust of the flesh" (Gal 5:16)

You yearned once again for the promise of being able to "Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with teh yoke of bondage" (Gal 5:1) At the heart of it all, you are humbled to know that the Father beckons to draw you back, to enjoy his forgiveness, and restore the relationship with Him.

At the departure gate on Sunday, the tearful beast in you was shouting out WHY IS IT THAT EACH TIME BEFORE I TRAVEL, THERE WILL BE SO MUCH UNHAPPINESS AT HOME? Think, it all started with a major breakdown with your father when you left for Hawaii in Sec two. Then the spiral cycle seemed to repeat thereafter. Perhaps, the emptiness of leaving home and stress of being all alone accounts for part of the reason. You felt so upset that you felt hypocritical to profess that you miss your family. Yet, you were really a good husband and father, the least you could do was to be a better help to your tired companion.

Right... so you questioned the value of LOVE. Rightly so. What should love really should be? Did you really "walk in love, as Christ also hath love us" (Eph 5: 2) Thank God you were humbled when you challenged your 'loving' assumptions - by the benchmarks spelled out in 1 Cor 13, clearly you were in a state of self-denial.

Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offense. There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and endurance.

At first you blamed SA Tan. You claimed it was his way of disrupting my preparation to lead worship. (thank God you didn't give in and walk away that Sunday morning) The blame game is always so easy- just point your fingers. But the Spirit was gentle to rebuke and used the song 'People Need the Lord' to remind you that - YOU need the Lord. Interesting too that the sermon reminded you that when God binds a man and a woman in marriage, the Word remains in them.

As the sun is about to rise, you realised that you do cherish this moment. May you always remember that just as our Father extends his arm of forgiveness, may you never forget Paul's invitation to "Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh." Gal 5: 16

Thank you for being honest and courageous


p.s. The pic was specially selected as a reminder that the sting of hurt to your vain ego during YOGOC wkshop. LOL!

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