A 'scholarly' disappointment

Its been so long since i have submitted any blog entries....been just so busy. At this moment of time, I am feeling a little adverse to words like 'reflection' or 'narratives'. Yet, I just need to 'pen' this down after the past 5 hours of toss and turn, on the morning of my 36th Bday. I am not sure how I will react to this entry years later but at least, I like to capture a glimpse of an important (failed) 'scholarly' aspiration.

I had this wish for this new 'beginning'- to accomplish some good academic writing so that I can grow towards being more than a good teacher-educator but really to step onto path of being a scholar.  But the email below from someone I respect was somewhat... devastating. Not sure why but this really seemed more painful then I can bear. 

Subject: Your understanding and support please!

Hi John,

I had an appointment with XXX to consult her on my application for XXX and XXX. She went through my files with me and pointed out to me that she found most of my XXX, especially the major ones, were co-authored with others, mainly with my XXX as the XXX in them. One important advice she offered to me was that I need to have more single-authored publications by myself to demonstrate by this year that I am capable of producing mature scholarship independently. My XXX under way this year are mostly around XXX to be co-authored with XXX and others. So I am writing to really seek your understanding and support in my editing alone the XXX  as a token to show my capacity of independent scholarship. See the XXX that I finished as attached. I will definitely be supporting you to finish the XXX with you as the XXX.  I cherish our wonderful and productive XXX year dearly. Hoping you understand my current urgent need for XXX for securing my XXX as I am finishing up my XXX in a few months' time. 

I just feel a terrible sense of ... disappointment? I have been very driven since end of last cohort as XX and I have had shared this vision of writing this book compiling some XXX from earlier classes and started our discussion and editing work. I do admit it's been hard to squeeze more time with the heavy XXX and preparing with the new course. But... To me, that vision was an important academic milestone. Something I have worked hard and really looking forward to. 

Many questions in me... Yes, perhaps academic writing is really not my cup of tea. But then, who am I to ask for anything given I am just a seconded staff and I really ought be grateful for the opportunity to learn, grow and be mentored? I feel this extreme sadness within, though I really sincerely wish XXX well and success. 

XXX   XXX  XXX